Vegas, Baby!

So I just got back from Vegas. It had been a while since my last adventure into Sin City, and boy how I had forgotten. Apparently, there is something in the air there that causes girls to wear about 25% of their normal clothing, and I'm not just talking about the ones who are paid to do so. Hostesses, waitresses, bachelorettes … Hell, I think I saw a nun sporting a bikini to the bar. Not only that, but whatever is in the air also seems to dilute the effects of alcohol, making it possible for a 110-pound lady to drink a pitcher of beer and five shots in an hour -- which, unsurprisingly, leads to some pretty crazy dancing.

But I digress. I behaved, mostly, so I've got nothing to hide, and yet still I ask myself: "Self … how much should I tell me lady?"

The way I see it, trust is what its all about. I could tell her it was a quiet couple of days at the slot machines and go on and on about how nice the 80-year-old lady from Minnesota I met was, but she'd know that was a lie. So I pretty much spilled the beans. After all, I had to tell someone what I saw. A couple of my favorites include:

• The hostess at the restaurant in the Venetian who forgot the bottom half of her dress. Hostess!!
• The guy outside the Paris with the "Girls at your door in 20 minutes" T-shirt. At least he's discrete.
• The cocktail waitress with more on her head than her body. I guess birds count as clothing now?

The good news, guys, is that she thought it was funny and totally appreciated my openness. I see a couple potential wins here. First, she immediately got over her concerns about what I might have done, so she's much more likely to support my endeavors in the future. Second, she's likely to reciprocate, so I have less to worry about on her girls trips to New York. So like I say, the truth works.

Now, that said, let me remind you that I did nothing worse than some "sightseeing" and bad dancing. If you come home with a stripper's name tattooed across your back, you might want to have it removed and try not to giggle whenever she says she wants a "Mercedes."