Online dating rules to live by: Itís never personal

How to survive digital rejection with your dignity intact

How to survive digital rejection with your dignity intact

That headline seems silly, right? I mean, what is dating if not highly, completely, horrendously, desperately personal? How can you go about searching for the one person that makes your heart feel whole without getting at least a little bit personalized?

t seems strange, but when it comes to facing for love online, you need to think of that it's not about you -- at least not for awhile. Most of us who've dipped even a toe into the tepid waters of online dating have felt at certain times that maybe we're just not made for computer-based romance. We're not photogenic enough or we just can't write; our icebreakers keep getting rejected and our winks are never returned.

If you happen to be one of the thousands who isn't having winner on the dating sites, you should definitely consider fine-tuning your profile and having a friend take some pictures that show off your good side. But once you've done that, you need to keep in mind that your digital dry spell is probably temporary. Anyone who's tried out one of the many dating sites knows that luck is given to ebb and flow like the member pool. But most importantly, when someone flakes out on you or makes it clear that they don't share your feelings of attraction, you need to not take it personally.

The truth is, you can't possibly know why that girl isn't interested. Maybe you she hates dogs and you have a boxer. Maybe she's intimidated by your intellectual prowess and professional success. Or maybe she just met someone and wants to see where it goes. No matter what, it ultimately has very little to do with you. And while we're all tempted to decide that it's our massive forehead and clown-like ears, the more likely scenario is that she had something else going on ... or she just wasn't your type anyway.


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  24 comments
1.
5/29/10 05:18:16

the tips are so inspiring thanks an keep up the good work -- maggie

2.
6/26/10 02:33:24

Yes, online dating is a tough world to navigate. However, I will say that something I found online that has been helpful for me is Wisemuv (just google search it). You are able to get anonymous feedback on what your friends really think about your relationship. The service at Wisemuv is very personalized. So I think the internet is not completely impersonal when it comes to dating. -- Ingrid

3.
7/03/10 11:47:07

There is also something I have to add to this article. Online dating sites favour women heavily. Given traditional gender roles of men chasing women and not the other way around, the average woman will get 200-300 responses and the cute ones get thousands of requests to get to know her better. This means that the average guy will have to write hundreds of emails and winks and whatnot before getting a favourable response. Rather than spending all that time writing emails, maybe the time is much better spent going out and socialising and meeting new people naturally. -- Adrian

4.
8/11/10 09:52:22

Definitely a great article. People who communicate w. you online (like your pics./profile) and then flake out used to make me feel bad. And then I realized, they are nothing more than a computer screen/piece of plastic at that point. I did have one nearly 3 year relationship w. an eharmony person. I have gone to a bunch of weddings where they met online. So-do not give up yet!!!! Rebecca -- Rebecca

5.
8/23/10 09:16:18

After 7 days talking through a dating site to a man I thought was a US soldier in Iraq I realised, due to their lack of command of the English language, that I was being 'scammed' probably by Nigerians. This soldiers photos are probably on a lot of dating websites. These scammers have put my photo on a dating site also. It has left me with a sour taste on my tongue. Beware of scammers! -- Patricia - UK

6.
8/29/10 12:47:58

It was a nice article. But I found a product related to flirting while I was browsing. That was very helpful for me in so many instances. you can google for "magical art of flirting". It was simply awesome. It was so much better than this article. -- venk

7.
10/03/10 04:10:26

I hear you? That why I think dating online is the way to find and screen someone. But do keep in mind be up front with your date everything else seem to fall smoothly. Thanks -- xixi

8.
11/03/10 12:50:06

I did on line dating for three months this year. I was hesitant to do this for years because of the risk with not really knowing who is behind the screen. But the best advice I got was to take my time and not necessarily meet anyone for a few months. One friend get familiar with the process and take time to talk to someone for awhile before you agree to meet them. I met a couple nice people, including one man I am still seeing currently. I also had some of the experiences mentioned above by out of the country people/scammers. That is why it is important to talk to people for awhile. Those with an "agenda" will show their true colors quickly. And like others, I learned also to not take things personally. Trust your instincts and be honest and maybe something nice will happen! -- Beth

9.
12/09/10 12:39:11

I wish I would've seen this site earlier!!! Not only have I totally embarrassed myself, but I probably look like a potential stalker. I wish I could redeem myself w/that person. If anyone has a suggestion, please feel free -- Elizabeth

10.
12/11/10 16:31:32

This was very helpful. I had one girl flake on me after one phone call and another say "we have nothing in common." I of course took it personal and got a little depressed. At any rate this article puts things into perspective. -- Christopher

11.
12/14/10 06:04:41

At the end of the day its about manners!! If someone politely tells you they are not interested etc thats fine, hey ho, but when they just stop talking etc its just plain rude!!!! -- Cath

12.
1/16/11 17:35:24

If you are looking to date men of color on line the pool is very, very small. -- Koren

13.
1/26/11 01:08:00

Stop talking is proper if found the one on the other side of phone is telling lies, and a potential scammer. Otherwise what else one should do? I really wished I was wrong about his lies, and emailed him why I stopped answer his calls for several days. Didn't get any explanation or reply since. An innocent person would try explain wouldn't it? -- Nancy

14.
1/27/11 09:19:49

Interracial dating and sharing community koren the pool is not as small as you think its just l reckon alot of people dont like to admit to date out of their race because of what others will say and that is definately not the way its meant to be your preference and happiness should be accepted by everyone -- Chris

15.
1/29/11 17:43:15

Online dating is one thing, but meeting someone online via a site like Facebook, Twitter or even on a site forum /tip based site like this is perhaps a good soft start for some people who are not really ready to go create a profile and take the leap. Good luck to you all. -- Wayne

16.
3/09/11 22:58:11

Yeah, I'll take your word for it for now. I've been trying online dating for a month, and I've gotten absolutely nothing. It's kinda depressing. My profile has never been viewed by anyone I didn't already message first, let alone received a message of interest. I haven't gotten a single response from anyone save for a single "thank you" note. -- Nick

17.
4/08/11 12:22:34

They aren't great for single women over forty - you could be 45 and look as good as Sandra Bullock (who is 46) and no guy your age is going to be looking for 45 yr olds. So, the 45 year old lady has to send out the intial responses, and the guys don't buy her current picture. But chin up, ladies....take a real look at the guys. You are way better off finding love offline. -- Meryl

18.
4/08/11 12:27:36

My friend and I are single and very eligible females but none of this dating scene seems to work.What is dating? It is hooking up with a stranger i.e someone you have not met in the course of your everyday life and getting to know them. It is the getting to know them part where most people come adrift : it does not matter whether it an online service, chatline, local dating or a personal introdution service these people are strangers.They can tell you, the owner of the Agency any old lies and by time you catch up with them it is toolate or because they know that if they tell the truth you will probably flee -- Anne

19.
4/08/11 12:28:05

I recently joined a site and felt a little over whelmed by the email and IM activities...i am never to rude to not respond to an email so became part of the negative as i ended up with 14 people in email/IM contact...great for self esteem but very complex and tiring...(alas the pixel harem was disbanded)and a life time of innuendos ceased

20.
5/24/11 06:14:19

I have been online dating for about a month now. I am amazed by the number of A lot of them are scammers. One woman contacted me, and in the course of the conversation, sent me some piccies of herself. I had a look at the photo on her profile, and they were completely different people. I had to bail out. I also find that their profiles specify where they live ie Australia, where I am, and as usual, it turns out they are in Africa or Malaysia. There is no screening of members to make sure they are genuine. Just pay your fee and take your chances. It can be very tiring keeping up with people in different time zones! -- Tim

21.
6/17/11 07:35:21

Is it ok to date more than one man at a time? Do you have to tell them that you are dating others also? -- Annette

22.
7/17/11 19:08:55

I've tried various dating sites for years and hav only ever had 1 date, i find it hard to break the ice with women in bars and online dating seemed the perfect outlet, but i find i get chatting to the same hard to get women online that i meet when i'm out, who expect too much. The point that guys hav to right hundreds of mail is true but why aren't women more forthcoming when it comes to making the first move online jus because its nogemt expected of them. -- john

23.
7/27/11 06:27:49

Don't know if I can trust the guy I'm talking with now. Met him online a couple of weeks ago. We spend hours on chats everyday. He has a heavy Italian accent, so to get to know each other we chat alot more than phone calls. Tonight he wanted me to wait during a chat so that he could go to the restroom. He didn't get back until 45 minutes have past. By that time, I had left him an email message telling him not to call me again. He left me messages and profusely apologized and I gave him another chance. So we chatted another 45 min. and then he called me to say goodnight. But when he did, at the end of our short conversation he was whispering to say he cared so much. Whispering. Then hung up abruptly. Think he might be married? I think so. -- Brenda

24.
7/31/11 18:50:47

I started off with internet dating and without much confidence. But just recently I have started dating women who actually find me attractive, something has clicked and I know how to convey my personality. You need to sell yourself, all your positive traits, don't lie of corse. Just remember to use you imagination to capture her imagination, be truthfull and honest, have fun, remember you here to have fun too. Get the balance right, take your time its ok. James -- James

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