Tips for the Ladiez

Today, I thought I'd write a little something for the ladies. A handbook, if you will, on what us guys think. It might just help you avoid a nasty argument with your man.

First of all, the jokes you hear about guys being dumb jocks who only care about sex, beer and TV (and the games on TV) are true. We've been trying to tell you for years, but you keep laughing. It's reality. Get over it. We know you females take comfort in owning unreal quantities of clothes and shopping for no good reason, and we've tried our best to come to grips with it. By the same token, you need to accept that we guys are just a tad closer to our Neanderthal brethren than you'd like. We're simple: work (preferably with manly tools), beer, pizza, beer, game, sex (or more game and beer, if that’s not in the cards), sleep, rinse and repeat.

Here are some hints to help you deal with us and our prehistoric ways:

• Communicate clearly. If you say it's fine that I watch the game, my brain just turned off. Don’t try to hint that it's not OK. Just tell us what you want us to do. We're usually happy to accommodate (as we are trying to position ourselves for the sex part of the day). We may give you a second chance, by way of a quick, "Are you sure?" But that’s it. Don’t expect a third chance. True, we probably know you meant no, but it's just not worth the effort to figure out if your yes meant "sure," your "uh-huh" meant, "Are you kidding? Of course not!" or something in between.

• Reciprocate. Remember Pavlov's experiments? We are like dogs. Reward us when we do something you like (chick flick, flowers, cook you dinner, take you shopping, give you the credit card to go shopping without us, etc.) and we'll be more likely to do it again. A little hanky-panky, permission to go out with the guys or a frosty mug will go a long way.

• Lastly, since we are from Mars and all, no, we really don’t understand why it takes two hours to get ready. Anticipate our irritation. Get started early. You know it's going to take you 45 minutes to change your outfit three times. Build it into the schedule. In the event that you forget, turn on the game, get us a beer (or two, depending on how far behind schedule you are) and tell us to sit tight. We'll forget we were even planning on that dinner and a movie. Just note that if this drags on too long, we cannot be held responsible for drinking all the beer in the fridge and any inappropriate behavior that follows.