The Art of the Breakup

4 ways to end it (at your own risk)

Breaking up is such an important topic that movies, songs and TV commercials have all contributed to the cause. Most people still fail to grasp what an art it truly is. Just think about how many relationships drag on for months or years because of the fear breaking up inspires. But fear not, friends! Here are a handful of ideas to help you navigate these tricky waters.

Suggestion No. 1: Move, at least virtually

With today's technology and social media, you can easily be somewhere else without being there.

  • Pros: Easy and super quick. You can be relocated to Kazakhstan faster than she can say "Borat."
  • Cons: People will actually believe you live in Kazakhstan.

Suggestion No. 2: Silence is golden

Spread the lack of love with a cold shoulder.

  • Pros: Generally a low-risk tactic, and it could even result in the breakup being "her idea." You can also use this free time to log more hours with the boys watching the game.
  • Cons: It's a slow process, and she may become unusually cranky until reality sets in.

Suggestion No. 3: Cheat

Nothing throws a wrench into a good relationship like a little extracurricular activity. Ask David Letterman.

  • Pros: Sends a pretty clear message, and you get some extra hanky panky.
  • Cons: This can get messy. Not recommended for those with a nice car, joint bank accounts or skeletons in the closet (read: video tapes).

Suggestion No. 4: Speak up

George Costanza perfected the "It's not you, it's me" line, but you can borro w it as well.

  • Pros: The most mature and hopefully clear method for letting her know it's over.
  • Cons: As noted in a current commercial, you can be too soft or too firm. Too soft and you only draw her in closer. Too hard and it can get nasty. (Reread the cons of Suggestion No. 3.)

As you pick your poison and work up the courage to drop the bomb, just remember that you're igniting a volatile situation. She may agree, take the news well and move on. She might also kick you in the shin (or elsewhere).

You also run the risk that the plan backfires and she doubles her efforts to make things work. This can be good if she suddenly starts encouraging you to go out with the guys while she does your laundry, but beware: That can only last for so long and will eventually end in mutual destruction (or at least the throwing or breaking of something valuable).


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  11 comments
1.
10/19/09 10:54:51

Horrible advice! MEN if you want advice on how to dump a girl, get it FROM a girl. Not some loser who thinks he knows what is going on inside a girl's mind. -- vanessa

2.
11/14/09 19:35:43

This is ridiculous, If you are an asshole the advice above would work for you. All other breakups should be face to face or on the phone at least. A text message breakuo is in very poor taste and disrespectful. -- MoonPAtrol

3.
11/16/09 12:02:30

Men if you want to break up with a woman, if not face to face at least do it by phone, dont just disappear and leave her hanging, its cold and cruel and by letting her know something its the right thing and it will let you go faster -- Nat

4.
11/22/09 00:41:05

All that advice is a crock of crap. No wonder men get such a bad name! Just be gentle but truthful.... then walk away and keep away! DONT CALL HER and see if she is OK for at least 3-6 months. You want more for yourself so let her move on too. -- A dumpee...

5.
11/24/09 01:38:58

Your kidding? i'd rather a guy dump me over an sms than cheat! and the cold shoulder? thats just slack and can back fire if she suggests a breakup just to shock you, coz she wont mean it and be very upset when she realises your fine with it. Just talk to her, over the phone is dog but theres less embarasment and awkwardness. theres no perfect way to do it. -- Jessica

6.
12/02/09 00:29:23

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7.
12/02/09 14:19:50

My one big thing is be HONEST. I've been broken up with and have done my fair share of breaking up. I've realized that trying to tip toe around the truth to spare the other's feelings only leads to a short-lived awkward friendship which results in the initial breaker upper saying incredibly hurtful things just to get the other person to get the point. So point is, it's going to hurt someone, but trying to make it completely benign will just lead to more pain than is necessary. -- Heartbreaker

8.
1/06/10 13:51:05

I think I have a method that beats all the above! And it's just happened to me. Was introduced to guy mid-Sept. He swept me off my feet: flowers, cooking me meals, long phone calls, lots of texts, sweet nothings etc etc. Within a month he dropped "I don't know what I want" into conversation. When asked about it he said it was his self-defence mechanism. Odd mention of how he didn't have much time for what he wanted to do. He also had health problems at beginning which I supported him with sorting out. Few more lovely weeks followed. We only saw each other couple of times a week. Then he said same thing again with same response when asked about it. Beginning of November we had weekend away - really lovely but I was aware he wasn't himself. Worried about his mother who was ill and needing lots more time spent on her. Then he said while away he thought whatever happened we'd always be friends. Was too afraid to start talking about this (plus we were away on special weekend!). Then two weeks after return he stopped phoning, texts became rare. Mid-Nov he came round again but with hindsight think he was very fidgety. His mum was quite poorly but things happen in life and I didn't believe this as reason for disappearance. He said his mum was priority. Virtually no contact by text/phone. On one rare occasion he said he valued our friendship. Said he couldn't make any plans due to his mum. Don't doubt he's been preoccupied, busy. No card at Christmas. Did tell him it was like being given beautiful gift and having it taken away. If I hadn't texted him and spoken to him on Christmas eve doubt I would have heard from him. He said he felt very mean....said he wanted us to be friends. I kept conversation light too fearful to probe any further. He wouldn't agree to seeing me over Christmas weekend even though I only suggested popping in on way to family. By New Year I decided I'd had enough and sent him polite text saying I didn't want any contact any more (which is probably what he wanted anyway). Am very angry as I feel he's hidden behind his mum's illness. Even though it was only short time together because I suffered suicide bereavement in Sept 08 of partner, this breakup hit me quite badly. Am ok now but find it totally unbelievable that a man can make promises for the future (we'd made plans for April!!) and then just decide to disappear. I am pragmatic about it all now as he had very negative attitude to things in life and that never does me any good but what do you think about method he used to dump me? Actually, I think he avoided the act of dumping as I got so fed up I pretty much did this myself! So he gets off scot free to tell his friends (possibly) what a wicked woman I am to do this to him when he mum is ill. C'est la vie. -- Linda

9.
2/14/10 18:04:27

bad advice, don't follow this.

10.
2/14/10 18:18:10

Cheating in any situation is NEVER acceptable. insta-cold shoulder is like hitting a brickwall on a highway, and this makes a dirty subject dirtier. -- VHongo

11.
3/09/10 02:42:20

I made the mistake of going to bed with a guy at the beginning of the relationship and he dumped me because he lost respest for me. he flat out blocked me from his phone and one day he was saying he loved me the same day he blocks me. It has been so painful I can hardly describe the feeling but he is all I think about and I need to get him out of my head. -- cia

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