Getting Dumped and Break Ups

It happens to us all from time to time and it's the bad part about dating. When you get dumped, someone who you spent time tells you they don't want a close relationship anymore. On many occasions, when you get dumped, it comes as a surprise, a nasty surprise. Looking back you think to yourself, well I could see that coming really. But at the time, you were not prepared.

Almost every time you get dumped, the person who is dumping you has been thinking of doing it for longer than you imagine. It appears they suddenly dumped you after an argument or some minor incident, but actually they've been playing the scenario out in their head for quite a while. When people spontaneously try to dump you, they make a hash of it. It goes wrong. If someone has practiced the scenario, they won't be swayed and will try and convince you to see life from their point of view, which is dreadful.

Being dumped usually happens when you least expect it. It's possible you were almost dumped a week or two earlier when your other half went through the motions but didn't quite have the nerve to see things through. It was almost like a practice session. After working the kinks out, they can be gentle, firm and clear. This person doesn't want to be with you anymore. They are detached when they speak because they need to be. They have to detach themselves from emotion not because they don't have any feelings, but because this is what it takes to walk away.

The person who is dumping you has temporarily learned to cope with shutting their feelings out so that they can deal with saying good-bye. To be honest though, they may be distraught, but it is backed up by a sense of escape and release, so they are feeling very different emotions from you. They are feeling that they need to get this conversation over and done with and want you to accept the situation as gracefully as possible.

Certainly the person dumping you is being heartless in some ways and they don't have your interests at heart, only their own. So they often try and sugarcoat the situation by telling you how your future will be better without them. The worst lines are, "you deserve better than me" and "we can still be good friends". Both of those lines are cheap, meaningless copouts. The world has just changed for good and these sentiments are utter nonsense.

The first thing that springs to mind when you are dumped is just how ridiculous the reasons are. On almost all occasions, they are not telling you the truth. Why? Because, ironically, they are trying to spare your feelings. Well now, they have just betrayed your trust, squashed your romantic life and even derailed your plans for the future. But they are trying to spare your feelings.

The amount of lies told to you in one 30 minute period will never be as many as when you are being dumped. I hate the cowards who dump you over dinner in a restaurant or at a party so you will argue less. Their hope is to limit damages while trying to get away without making a scene. I remember one girl, Angela, who dumped me by email. That was probably as low as anyone can stoop. I suppose the phone is as bad, or a note, or through a friend. But remember that most people will be cowards about it.

But I suppose it is worse when you don't receive any explanation. Oh, you may be given one, but be sure that isn't the real reason my. No, you will be given the most trivial of reasons, or worse "it's not you, it's me." Which actually means, "it is you." They simply won't tell you why though, because they are scared. Now I can argue this is a positive thing because by being scared of hurting you, there is some semblance of respect still present. And that has to be positive. However, there is no future in having any further contact with this person and I firmly recommend when someone walks out of your life, it is for ever. (I know it's different if you have children and I won't address that situation here).

Scientists say that when you are dumped you undergo almost exactly the same set of physiological and psychological reactions as bereavement. If you have been seeing someone for 3 weeks and they decide you are not for them, your feelings are hurt, but nothing more. But once a relationship has formed and the person walks out of your life, then that person may as well have died, because you will react in the same way.

So it is entirely fitting that you want to lock yourself away for a while to undergo a period of mourning. You have to come to terms with what has happened and that the relationship is finally over. This in fact can take months or years. Your friends will provide you with a support infrastructure, and while they are well meaning and want you to return to your positive self, be prepared for it to take some time.

You could start dating again, but these dates won't lead to anything immediately, not until you are psychologically ready. Personally, I believe that it is only when you are angry with the person who dumped you, even to the point of hating them, that you can finally get over them. You may think that's too strong, but out of anger often comes clarity. Still loving them is not the way forward. In years to come you may respect them and love their memory, but certainly not now.

When someone dumps you, they generally mean it and it has taken them a lot of thinking to go through with it. So do not hope they will change their mind, because it is likely they won't. You will feel betrayed and deceived and that is OK. They played with your feelings. But then everyone has a right to leave and no one has to stay imprisoned in a relationship they don't want. So it is your own acceptance of the situation that is the most important thing here.

In fact you are the most important thing in the equation. The person who just dumped you no longer matters. Life becomes about you again and what you want. You are the director of your own movie, your life, so you hire and fire the cast and crew as you like. If they dumped you, mentally dump them too. Don't dwell on revenge, for that will only make you crazy. No, you do need to move on, but only when you are ready and only down the path you choose.

Getting some revenge is an immediate afterthought, because you want to feel the satisfaction of getting even. Of hurting them like they hurt you. But all you do is look somewhat pathetic. I do not advocate revenge in that way. The best way for any revenge is to get even in a constructive way that leaves your dumper looking like the fool. I remember being dumped by an ex, only to leave the city and get a glamorous job abroad a few weeks later and letting her know it. That gave me the satisfaction of knowing we were even. Life moved on.

Being dumped is an awkward mess that hurts us and cannot be trivialized. It means that the person we entrusted with our soul has turned around and said they don't want it. It makes us feel cheap and worthless and unwanted. We don't want other fish in the sea, we wanted that fish. But it's too late, it's over, we must swim on.

Here are some tips I think are essential when getting dumped:

• Don't believe the reasons you are given when you are dumped as you may be being lied to
• If you spot a trial run, you may be dumped within days so anticipate it
• But don't dump them first because you thought you spotted a trial run
• Allow the person to say why your relationship has ended but don't let them off the hook or make them feel less guilty
• Allow yourself a mourning period for however long it takes to feel better
• Don't start dating immediately, not until you are ready
• Do realize that seeing other people will make things easier
• Don't hope that your ex will return, it's highly unlikely
• Start thinking about yourself as your number one priority and spoil yourself
• Do not keep hold of any joint possessions, the relationship is over and mementos will only hurt you
• Throw all their things away and put photos in a box
• Never hang out where you may meet you ex
• If you accept your ex back again you are playing with fire, so better to say good-bye once and for all
• Remember that the person who dumped you has lost you and will not meet anyone like you again, and that is their loss.
• Allow yourself to be angry with the person who dumped you and mentally dump them too
• Finally, when all is said and done, it is sometimes better to change jobs and even move location to forget someone.
• We are talking about your life here, and you deserve better because you are worth it